Bitter Candy

December has always been my favorite month & winter has always been my favorite season. Plenty of things has happened this month that were far from tradition, far from typical, far from ordinary. 4 weeks off from school started my break off well. Rain or shine I spent the first weeks waking up early to pick up Ryan from school, getting lost in LA, dealing with traffic, &falling asleep for hours. Worked nonstop for awhile due to holiday mall hours, but that only meant more $$$$. Broke tradition with secret santa & the giving of presents with my family. But the change was the best idea yet. Instead of giving and receiving presents this year, the cousins planned a series of events for us to bond and get closer together. The first was a lunch, and the second was the best: Mammoth from the 26th-29th. It was the best experience ever & I'm glad my boyfriend was able to share it with us. 

Yesterday, was my birthday. Started off with chopping off about 10inches of my hair then surprising (or scaring) Ryan at his door. He gave me the best card that contained the sweetest words and the most clever ideas. But it's something to expect from him, he's always been so creative when it came to things like that. Hungry ? Of course we were. Where'd we go ? AMI SUSHI of course. Sushi sushi sushi. It never fails us. Spicy yellowtail, spicy scallop, albacore appetizer, & 3 orders of yellowtail sushi (6pieces). Deeeeeelish. ! Went home to get ready for a dinner with my parents, then got flaked on. (explain later). I didn't have a car because it was getting repaired.. so Ryan offered to pick me up. (Thanks love.) He watched me fix my hair.. &it became the funniest part of my day. NO VOLUME. :D We went to the village, got some sh2o, & went off to our "dinner with his mom". We arrived to Banana Bay.. &found out that his "mom" were almost all of my friends that I have ever known. (ALMOST). It was a lovely surprise. Thank you to everyone who made it possible. It was my first surprise birthday ever..

But, of course.. when Ronylyn is happy.. something has to pull her down. You should have known not to show up to my birthday. Yeah, you're gone most of the time... but I loved it that way. You can apologize for the past all you want, but you've done too much to me for me to find it in my heart to ever forgive you. Maybe you have changed, but maybe you haven't. I don't have enough love for you to even find the strength in myself to even consider you as an acquaintance. Matter of fact, I have no love for you at all. No sympathy whatsoever. You ruined my 19th birthday. I wanted a birthday with friends, and you weren't one of them. &I could say that proudly no matter how much everyone else loves you. I DON'T. My life is PERFECTLY FINE without you in it. & YOU, sir, are a friend I'm glad I don't have. 

&Now, I refuse to go into the new year with a frown on my face. Whether I spend the countdown by myself or with someone.. I will be smiling. BECAUSE I FUCKING DESERVE TO.

Happy December

&welcome chilly weather. My favorite month, season, &holidays are finally here. Cozy coats, soft scarves, boots, &beanies. Thanksgiving & Black Friday were good to me. A fatter stomach and new clothes to cover it up. New chill spots bring new activities. Love it. Finals are over (failed), but winterbreak is here and I'm looking forward to what it has to offer. Just started to mess around with Rebel, &I forgot how fun and entertaining it could be. Plan on buying myself a new lens since I haven't really bought anything for it since the flash. As for the biking, I purchased a fixie a few weeks ago (or has it been a month yet?) A red Bridgestone. Not the best, but it fits &it'll do. Got my trackstand &skids down.. for the most part. Not as awesome as everyone else that's forsure. I need to do some winter cleaning of my closet because there's no room whatsoever to put the new stuff I bought. &I don't even wear half the clothes in my closet. As for work, mall hours are extending for the holidays. I will be closing at 11pm this weekend. fuck. :( which means I will be missing out on that premier everyone's going to. *sigh. the sacrifice to get that $$$$. Other than that, life has been treating me quite well. Friends, family, &the most loving boyfriend. Seems like we've been appreciating each other more lately &it's a pretty amazing feeling. Cuddling, eating, massaging, napping : the best things. 

I never post pictures like I say I will.

Maybe next time. :[ hah.

Bounced Up

Things unexpectedly, or more surprisingly, turned out to be fine. Things are back to being better that ever. I'll say it proudly & confidently and just believe that it'll still be great when I wake up tomorrow. 

As always, spontaneity has always been my favorite. Unplanned adventurous days are probably the best days of my life. I'll post a more detailed update later when I don't have school in a few hours. But a quicky: Twilight cast, Paramore, LACMA, Los Angeles traffic, B. Mob, good grades, &LOVE. knock. (: !!

<3 

Official

I'm 100% positive that I could never be proud & just tell the world how good things are and how happy I've been. Because once it's been said everything comes crashing down. I've literally woken up every day praying that this day would never come. But with my luck, it happened. It's as if you just wanted to show me how happy I could be & said yup, well I'm not going to let you be this happy. You don't deserve it because "you're a bad person & you are the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I want you to know that." I guess what makes it hurt more, is all the hope I had this time. How I reassured myself that this time is different & that my theory of how everytime things are so great with me that means something bad is going to happen isn't the case this time. But, I spoke to soon. It's exactly what it was. 

Guess this is what I deserve. Guess I was just an ignorant fool to believe that someone like me deserved the best. 

Holidays

are coming and I'm excited. Mall decorations are up & I got to swap the pictures on one of MagicStudio's display boards with Christmas pictures. I'm excited. December babies, aren't you excited ?! (: I'm hoping for an awesome December considering I'm on vacation 3 weeks out of the 4. All I really want for my birthday this year, is a cozy fun night with good friends. Sober or not. I just want everyone in one place. Lots of birthdays lately.. has me excited for mine. Makes me think too: Can't believe it's already been a year since my debut practices and almost a year since my debut.

But all I want, is a birthday like this :

or at least something close. I've always said that I missed high school, but I guess what I miss the most is the carefree lives we lived. 

Bad omens

all day long 

from the minute 

I woke up. 

Woke up to runaway new papa Cody. Dilemmas &gold-diggin' beandips left and right. Bad attitudes from almost everyone I spoke to. Califires too close to nearby cities. Hot hot fire heat. Slow day at work. Stupid mistakes. &Paperjams. Loved-less. Oohmy ): 

Ended the night with crisscrosses, dinner with love, &1hr naps..

Time to sleep. Hoping to wake up to a better day today. 

work 1-7. visit.

...work 1-8 ! ): whatever.... $$$$$

Knock On Wood

Seriously, I have the worst luck when it comes to jinxing myself. I do believe that every time something good happens, something bad is bound to happen real soon. Yet when something bad does happen, good things just seem so distant. &Right now, I fear that belief of mine. Why? Because recently things in my life have been slowly falling into place and I hate the thought of everything going downhill. I wish I could just let everyone know how great things are going without having that thought about "Did I just jinx myself again?" But here I am taking that risk &letting it be known that I'm happy. My life still has its struggles of course, but I'm happy. I have a boyfriend who loves me &is there to talk to when I feel like I just can't take all the stress anymore and just want to break down. I spend little time at home yet when I AM home, it seems like my relationship with my parents is getting healthier lately. I've been more determined &focused lately and it's going a long way.

Halloween was fun. Lovebug & a NinjaTurtle. Borrowed & made. The weather has been lovely. Aside from the random humidity days, the cold yet sunny weather is amazing. I love the colorful skies &the fluffy clouds. Real life painting is what it is. Got more hours for work this past weekend & unexpectedly got to work with both Kim and Becca. (: That was fun for sure. Volunteer hours are slowly stackinn up. I guess the only constant stressful factor in my life is &always will be.. SCHOOL. Microbio is probably the hardest science class I have ever taken in my life. I've spent countless hours studying for that class and my grades have been average &below average. Disappointing and frustrating. But..I just have to keep on trying & do what I gotta do. And of course.. there's ceramics. Ceramics, ceramics, ceramics.. you have taken up TOO MUCH of my time. My midterm is due on Wednesday. Supposed to be 17inches and I went from 4inches to 14inches in one day. :) PROGRESS.

Payday was delayed. ButSOON the following WILL happen:
-fix my bike or buy a bike
-sell my bike to buy a new bike
-sell winterformal & prom dresses
-shopping for winter season <333333
-buy lens(es)

I love with my life is content like this.
God, please oh please don't let a jinx happen.
Please don't take any of this away. ):
THANKS<3 !

Unexpected

&caught off guard.

You surprised me. It was random and the odds of what had happened happening was literally slim to none. How did we go from fighting earlier that day to being where we are now ? (: Randomness & weird moments have always been what our relationship is and was about. Guess it's nice to know some things never change. You have been so great lately, &I'm thankful. So grateful that you're showing the side of you that I love so much. "I love you": so simple yet so powerful. Yes, it really was. (:

Stressed, still. 

): Forever &always. 

But, at least I have you at

the end of the night. 

Back to studying !

My flirting

with disaster

is modern love.

I just have to accept the fact that everything 

I've grown attached to and fell in love with

is just something I have to get over. Whether

I like it or not. As every day goes by it's only

going to keep getting harder because my hopes

are just going to keep getting higher. I guess

as typical as it sounds, I was just hoping you'd

somehow fall in love with me all over again. But

that's just too unreal and only happens in movies.

I guess I'm just another hopeless romantic in

this loveless world that for who knows what reason

still believes that love is for me. But I'm still young,

maybe some one who believes in me will find me. 

I was just taking a leap and hoping you were still

that person. Still wake up every day hoping that 

"this is the day he's coming back". But I just need

to wake up & realize that it's never going to happen.

At least not to me. I didn't know it was possible to fall 

when you had already fallen . Hole inside a hole.

"that's the past love, leave it in the past love"

16

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edit: 8:56 pm

Today's Amat's homecoming game. Meaning, it's almost been 3years since it all started. How random was it? Us going to homecoming together. Not only was it random, it was probably the best high school dance I have ever been to. So spontaneous &genuinely fun. I miss that "honeymoon" stage that we were in. Now we're just another couple that couldn't make it to the "growing old & grey" together. I just miss being the girl you could have so much pride in. The one you showed off to everyone and flaunted every chance you got. Now, I'm just another girl. Not even just another friend.. I'm just a girl of your past. It's what I feared the most from the beginning. It's not that I regret being with you, it's the losing you as such a good person in my book. &I told you that. &the day I told you that, you made a promise. You asked for the chance to show me what a relationship should be like, a chance to show me what I deserved, to show me the way I should be treated. You told me to give you the chance to show me how special I was & that no guy has the right to treat me like dirt. You told me that a chance was all you wanted and you PROMISED that you'd always be there. So where are you? My partner in crime, the other whole that makes me twice the person I am, the Clyde for this Bonnie, my ride or die, my bestfriend, the one who knows me better than I know myself. How could you be so careless sometimes? How do you let go of something so special? You knew what you wanted before, how don't you know now ? Why aren't I right for you anymore ? How can something so simple like eating sushi, a massage, &cuddling to closely make the both of us so happy yet it's still something you want to let go of ? Why aren't I worth it anymore ? How come it seems like you care more about people who wouldn't do the things I'd do for you ? Why couldn't you just be happy with me ? Why aren't you scared of losing me anymore ? It's like your life is on fast forward & I'm just sitting here waiting for you to notice me. Waiting for you to pause for a second & just realize what you have. But what's the big deal right ? "We're still young".. you still have time to fall in love all over again later. &You won't have a problem finding a new person to share all your happiness with. Someone who could possibly care for you more than I have. &I hope you do. Because you deserve it. Just wish you'd let me be that person. 

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edit: 10:30pm

today is officially a topsyturby day. filled with

ups and downs. hopefully it ends with an up.

If You Just Realize

what I just realized

then we'd be perfect for each other

and we'll never find another.

Definitely a bittersweet day. 

class ditchin. lost in los angeles. 

my cent of creativity put into use.

napnappin. amipapi. homework. 

quarrels. unpleasant goodbyes.   

Tell me;

Do you see that I'm still willing

to do anything to make you happy

whether you ask for it or not ? 

Still here helping in any way I possibly

can just to maybe make things

less hard for you. I know my gestures

are supposed to be humble and I 

shouldn't ask for anything in return..

but I know I didn't deserve the way 

you decided to end the night. 

): Fantasies, dreams, romance.

It's all just a faded memory of mine.

pinky promise with a twist 

thumb stamp sealed with a kiss

I'll stop the world

&melt with you. 

rough morning. been so hard

waking myself up lately. the morning

cold makes it almost impossible to 

drag myself out of bed. ): 

on the drive to Kaycee's RYAN 

SEACREST made my day. due to 

Christmas lights on the trees at his 

studio, he decided to play some Holiday

jams to spread the holiday spirit. It felt 

DAMN GOOD. I agree to what he said. 

Which was: The world needs the holiday 

spirit more than ever. & it's true. I LOVE

the winter &holiday season. STOKED.

Some day, one day, when I find somewhere

to squeeze some "me time" in my schedule

I would love love love to accomplish the following:

- snowboarding

- shop [coats, more boots, scarves, beanies, 

headbands, legwarmers, leggings, &more winter clothes]

- carshopping !!

- fix my bike / buy a new one

- clean out my room

- make halloween costume

- buy Hardfest ticket ?! 

- &so much more that i can't think of 

at the top of my head. 

I need my life back. Freal. 

Swamped

with responsibilities. School takes up more than 90% of my time. 

Work Sat & Sun. My only 'real' full day of free time are Fridays.

But that is soon to be occupied by my volunteer hours. Now you 

could find me in LA 5 days or more a week. Stressed stressed stressed

yet trying to remain focused and motivated. 

CalPoly's library is fucking legit. I'm jealous :[ 

but I'm pretty sure almost every Calstate's library

beats LA's. Ughh, whatever. 

Can't wait till next quarter. Why ? Because I've got

THEE bomb schedule if all works well. AND, I've got

NO SCIENCE class. AWESOME ?! I think so !

I don't know if you realized how happy you 

made me when you surprised me last night. :]

It was unexpected. You really caught me off guard..

but I loved every bit of it . !! Made my day. 

"are you happy?"

...i really don't know. still in between i guess.

Paper chaser

heart breaker

payday today. homecoming = busy day at work.

swamped with studying. need a costume.

& .. have i told you lately that i love you ? 

I'm twisted

cause one side of me 
is tellin' me i need to move on
on the other side i
wanna break down and cry.

Love Monday Nights

GG. OTH. HILLS.

&that's why i fell in love with you.

K.WEST tomorrow. stoked. 

So much

for my happy ending. 

Goodbye to you

Goodbye to everything that I knew

You were the one I loved

The one thing that I tried to hold onto

I will & already do miss you quite terribly.

but, I will always love you forever.

it really is hard trying to let go of a good thing.

Just a dream

You came back. You told me you missed me ! 

I asked, "Babe..is this just a dream ? Because if it is, 

please don't let anyone wake me up." 

&all you did was hug me. I hugged you tighter. 

It felt so good to be held by you.

I was safe & warm.. all the pain was gone. 

then I woke up. the pain was back

&you were gone.. 

So many nights

I dream of you, 

holding my pillow tight

I know that I don't need to be alone.

I open up my eyes to face reality.

Every moment without you

it seems like eternity

I'm begging you, begging you,

PLEASE COME BACK TO ME.

When are you coming back ?

Are you coming back ?

Do you miss me ? 

How have you been ?

Where have you been ?

How are you holding up ?

How's your head ? How's your knuckles ?

Do you need a massage ? :[

This is seriously killing me.

I don't know how much longer I could last.. 

I wish you'd just show up at my door,

call me, show up at my work, something,

anything. I don't give a fuck if I sound 

desperate &pathetic. I miss you &everything 

about you so much. :[ I can't even front about it..

Nick&Norah

I watched it tonight. I really wish we could watch it together. Nick reminded me so much of the way you used to treat me. So respectful and kind. So romantic and charming. So sarcastic and hilarious. You were one of a kind. Topnotch boyfriend material. 

I'm still here. Trying hard to stick to what I know I should do. &It's to prove I really want to make our relationship what we both know it has potential to be. It's our season coming up. The weather &the "santa ana winds" are reminding me of you. I miss those nights we'd sit and keep each other warm under one blanket, watching a movie, and drinking hotcoco. I remember instead of just bringing some you brought your whole box ! :] Lifetime supply of coco<3333

You're right though. I am getting something out of getting time away from you. It's more time to myself and to just think about life &get things straightened out. BUT, Absence does make the heart grow fonder. &this deprivation of your presence in my life, is eating me up alive. :[

Love

is the one label that never goes out of style. SATC had me drowning in tears last night. :[ Honestly, you're on my mind every minute of the day. I can't help but wonder if I'm still on yours too. I understand that it's only been a few days, but what if you're just too distracted to even think about missing me ? It scares me to think that you're happier without me. I'll be happy for you, it's just a sad thought to wonder about. Truth is, only reason I'm really trying hard not to talk to or see you is because I really want to prove how much I need/want this. I need you to miss me. &I need you to wish I was next to you. In one of your letters that I read last night, you said "You're the only girl I would drive 25min for everyday just to see you. I enjoy every second of it." I wish you could still say that proudly. I still want to be the one who could make you smile when everything else gets rough. I guess I'll just have to wait it out. I just want to be happy, I think i deserve to be. Whether it's with or without you.. 

i don't even know if you're ever going to read this..

One step

at a time. I'll take it second by second, and just try to grow up &grow out of it. I'll never understand how two good people involved in such a genuine good thing could just end up in such a bad path. Such an unhealthy relationship full of complications while things could be so simple. All I needed was to feel important again. But it was my fault too. I didn't give him the time to just miss me. But I tried, I tried to be the girlfriend you deserved. Not good enough, is all I'll ever be to you. 

School, has never been so hectic and disappointing. Every time I think I'm doing so well, a simple letter could take all my hope away. Ceramics is supposed to be fun, at least I thought it was supposed to. Turns out its one of my hardest classes. Or more time consuming. Micro takes up a lot of studying &is filled with tricky questions. HATE ! :[ Child development is just plain ol' boring. Swear all I hear in that class is yaddayaddablahdiblahbloo. :] But of course, the only class I enjoy this quarter is none other than my KICKBOXING class. Today I learned how to UPPERCUT ALL YALL ! ;] hah ! 

GET READY FOR IT ! because ladies &gentlemen, i have a WORK section to post on blogs now. haha. thanks to kimbery siapno dearest friend of mine. :] I work at MagicStudio in the wescoo mall right next to Mrs. Fields. woo ! It's a very chill job that gives me plenty of time to do hw and study. 

As much as I want to take and post pictures, my camera isn't in my possession. :[ So long baby, I don't know when I'm ever going to see you again. 

To sum it all up:

Hello, I miss you quite terribly. 

Giant heart made of candles. A scavenger hunt leading to love. Slowdancing to one of the bst songs ever made. What i would give, just to have one of those nights back. A night where I truly felt like I was loved & happy. I miss that. Nothing but history is all it is. 

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edit. 11:11pm.

the whole day has been such a drag. slowly i wait for the day to go by just to say i got through another day. planned on going out today to get my mind off of you, but it just didn't work out. i stayed home. i stayed home and did a lot of thinking. thinking about you. opened up those shoeboxes i haven't touched in a while. looked at our collage frames. read every single letter, stared at every single drawing, looked through every single picture of us i could find. it's pathetic in some ways, but it helps me in some ways. i remember, as every anniversary went by, or any other day actually, every time we'd write each other letters, we'd basically list all of our inside jokes. we stopped because it grew to a list too long to write out. and one letter you said "i'd list all of our inside jokes but i'm pretty sure you're tired of re-reading them again". honestly, i wouldn't mind re-reading them a million times over and over right now. we were happy. a REAL happy. i could go home from school, take a nap, and look forward to you calling me and waking me up. i could go to practice and look forward to calling you afterwards to fill each other in. we made each other laugh so much, whether it was by being a queenB to you or your unbelievably charming sarcasm. what happened? why did we have to grow out of it. why did we have to ruin something to precious ? i miss it. i say it over and over, but it's true. i miss it. i miss all of it. sure, MAYBE it IS the way the beginning of relationships are and its natural for it to go downhill from there. but when were we ever typical. we're weird people. that's what we loved about each other. is that we were weird. that was our essence. is that we were able to act like ourselves. not caring about what other people thought. we acted "cute" and didn't care about what our friends thought. you swept me off my feet and made me believe that these things don't only happen in movies. it's a possible reality. and you helped make a girl's wildest dreams come true. i know there's no turning back to the past. it's just sad, letting a good thing go. i don't know how to find the strength in me to say goodbye. i don't know how to find the courage to let go. i don't know how to just leave everything behind and just grow up and move on. it's hard. i know i have to.. but, you're my partner in crime. the clyde for this bonnie. the other whole that makes me twice the person i am alone. you taught me so much. &one thing you've taught me since the beginning.. is that some things are just worth fighting for. no matter how long or how hard it is. i believe in us. always will. i love you is probably the only thing that still makes sense. 

Battles

I'm not 8 years old anymore.
I'm 18 and do not deserve your bullshit.
You can't bring me down.
and you absolutely cannot
ruin my life. I'm a young lady with
big dreams that I'm not going to let
you get in the way of. Even if you're
my blood, it doesn't mean you
have the right to pull shit like that.
You're old enough to know what's
right and wrong. And as an adult
I expect you to give me the respect
that I deserve. I'm disappointed in you.
&I hope one day you'll realize that
you have a good daughter that once
upon a time looked up to her father.
Not anymore. If there's one thing you
taught me, it's how I SHOULDN'T
treat my kids that I will have one day.

Dealt

with it and got through it. The day I've been dreading and complaining about for how long is finally done and over with. Turned out to not be so bad after all. The weather is slowly (very slowly) starting to get better. Started off with some shopping with my parents at Santa Anita. Bummmmed it around the house for a couple of hours. Then Vanessa Chavez, a childhood sweetheart of mine, picked me up for a day of adventure. Special thanks for helping keeping my mind occupied. Picked up Candicelove & Mickeydontdolove to go to the Shoppes in Chino Hills only to see the outside of stores and step into the active because it was CLOSING (Sunday hours duh). Thanks Mick, "Outdoor malls close late". We appreciated it much. Hungry people calls for a food run. Picnic & plastic bag games got us laughing for days. Chicken terryucky wasn't so yucky. Miso soup was bomb too. Thank you for smoking love & dontdolove. Found out snapple bottles had more use than containing snapple: ash & alchy. Laker game was a busssst. But like MinnieMouse..I mean Candice said, "With them till the end. If I don't watch them at their worst I don't deserve to watch them at their best." Essa's house to get ready. My oh my have things changed in that house. Considering I haven't been there in like 4years. Knitting Factory was....different. DJ was WEAK. But whatever, mind was occupied and that's all that mattered. Day was a success. Caught up with old friends and met some new. Got through the day and boyyyy am I proud.

RANDOM UPDATES: IndianaJones was alright but didn't meet my expectations. I haven't had school since last Wednesday but will be going back this Wednesday. I have a practical that I haven't started studying for but WILL DO tomorrow morning. Mama bought me an iTOUCHmybody. :) Howwla. Cody finally got his furcut &looks like a wombat. After June6th I'm a "sophomore in college". I made it a goal for me to be employed by summer. June would be our year!<3 Excited for summer &that's bouttt it.

PS. I know I lie when I say I'll post up pics later. But this time I really will due to some special requests of appearance. Hahhh.

Night
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I promised:

Beauty

love/dontdolove

Blackout

Days seem to be getting better. "Growing up" and trying to not let certain things get to me by simply ignoring it or being more optimistic about situations. Example: Girlfriend > Date. I guess. PS. I Love You is without a doubt not only a tear jerker but a movie with a good moral. Loved it.

Hot Hot Heat. My arms just keep getting darker as the days go by. It's the only thing getting darker actually. If I was crazy enough and my body could handle it, I think I'd even consider wearing long sleeves. PLUS, I've got this ridiculous tan from my bracelets and watch. Time has come for me to buy more shorts, skirts, tanks, and summer dresses. &So, I did my shopping at a sale that only a handful knew about. Maddd legit discounts on tees and tanks I've been waiting for. Thank you to Ryan for accompanying me to ally shop. Laura's a true dime who doesn't let her fame get to her head. Real sweetheart who remembered me from our last encounter<3 . Note to self: keep your cool by carrying around spritzers.

Today: "Student blackout" at CSULA. Traffic going to school was heavier than usual. Got to school around 10:15am, only to find out class was canceled. Perfect time to finish my take-home Sociology midterm that I didn't complete at home. Went to class at 11:30am &my professor just said to turn in the midterm and class is canceled due to the blackout (basically like a walkout). So we all went to join the protest in the heat. Nice people gave out free water. Everyone decided to skip the next class too. I basically gave myself a 7hour break before my BioLab. It was pretty WILD. Protests, liquified JuiceItUp, Qdoba half off Mondays, &dorm chilllin. It was quite lovely. BioLab ended way earlier than usual and traffic wasn't as bad as I had expected.

&What always makes my day that much better is All-you-can-eat Sushi with Ryan. Ooooh how he has trapped me and pulled me into his addiction. Kiku Sushi in Chino Hills. All you can eat sushi for 1hour. Used up every.. single.. minute of that hour. Happy tummies, fsho!

Beautiful skies on the way home &made it in time for finales gallore. Overall, beautiful day. Hoping for this high to remain. Hoping I didn't just jinx myself. Hoping... well.. just hoping for the best.

P.O.H. still going!

upload pictures later.

PS.

These days are never easy.
But it's a good feeling to know
that I got through one..

"i will always love you"

MORP

For some reason,
I still had hope
in you changing
your mind &
saying SURPRISE :[

April Showers

bring May flowers. Where did all the sunny days go? Past few days have been gloomy and cold. I don't know what to wear when I get out of the house anymore. I almost believe the weather is playing tricks on me. When I put on my sweater the sun comes out, when I take it off it's cold as fcuk. Not cool.

Quicccck update. Ryanlyn Moquino, back on track. Skipped the ten months so we celebrated late. Consisted of watching Rules of Attraction solo while he slept. Sushi can always turn a bad day to a perfect day. Catch us at 24 every other day. Homemade smoothies got the best of us. Eleven months is May24. Still wish I could be his prom date no doubt, but being his girlfriend is and always will be a plus. Flea markets are legit; fell in love a couple of times and purchased some summer dresses. LHVintage got some sexy mamas who sweeeaar like my boyfriend is the shit (sometimes<3). He was flattered.

School has got me stresssssin. Biology is kicking my ass with these muscles I have to memorize and my six page paper that I have been procrastinating on for weeks. I wouldn't be able to get through bio without my team though! (Kaycee and Ludwig) Sociology is supposed to be my easy A but for some reason has me working harder than I thought I would have to. History has always been a bust because it's boring as fucccckk. Avoid history when you go to college as long as you can, unless you want to do what I did and just get it over with. Almost like ripping off that band-aid kind of feeling. BUT, as ghetto as csula is, I love the people. Getting closer to them everyday and it's a good feeling. Qdoba monday student deals are legiiiit. Ditching history was definitely worth it. Talking about relationships in different perspectives is always helpful. Got a pleasant surprise from Jeff who came to visit me at school. I love surprises; I live for them. It's one of the best feelings in the world. &It was nice getting one since I haven't experienced one.. in a very long time.

Todayyy, around noon, went to Starbucks to study muscles with Kaycee. Got hooked up with some free pizza, waffle fortune cookie, and long conversations. Studied for about 4 hours, I say we made progress. Met up with Ryan & VRT for Taco Tuesday at Rubio's (didn't eat there though). Lots of familiar faces at the village today &it's always nice seeing people I haven't seen in a while. Especially faces that have become FAMOUS! (Randolph Permejo, Cathy Nguyen, & AJ Rafael) :] haha. Spppoose to go to the gym, but lots to do and the weather got me lazy.

I have a packed night ahead of me. Study for practical, PBL 6pg essay, Sociology observation paper, & my midterm corrections. I have yet to post pictures. THIS WEEK, when my school schedule clears soon.

The Sun Will Come Out

Tomorrow. I don't know if I'm pretending, but I keep telling myself things are getting better in an odd way. But maybe that's just because I'm getting things I want, in ways that I don't want. You won't get it, but it doesn't matter. This is supposed to be my place of truth and honesty, so I'll be honest, and say.. I really still wish I was YOUR senior prom date just like you were mine. I still wish I could get all dolled up, JUST FOR YOU, watch you clean up nice, JUST FOR ME, and dance the night away in your arms (miraculously, possibly, to our song at the end of the night..) Not jealous, not upset, of the fact that you're taking someone else, because she's a girl I trust to help you have a fun night, but I just wish it was me. But, I can't be selfish so I have to tell you I'm fine and have accepted it. I mean, I already had my turn last year.. I owe it to you to be able to live your senior year the way you want. No, I haven't accepted the fact we're not together but what other choice do I have. Being okay with it is the only way I could still have you in my life.

School's a bust. Biology is just getting harder and harder. FUCK MUSCLES. Too many things to memorize and my brain is overflowing. Whatever, school has been so stressful and I don't think I could handle it anymore. But, I gotta do what I gotta dooo.

RIPRIPRIPRIP. Death in the family, has never been so frequent.

Picture blogs soon to come, just too lazy to upload. Recently bought a 580EXII flash for my xti. The bitch is fucking heavy and huge, but nonetheless beautiful.

Pursuit of Happyness, stillllllll on.

Sparks

The days where you could walk outside without a sweater on at night are coming closer. Yesterday was filled with priceless moments where I wish conditions were a little different. For one, who knew "there was a spark between us" could be so literal. The excitement in your face was beautiful. I felt like a little girl, playing in the playground, FEARLESS, innocent of all the pain in the world, invincible. It was that crush on the boy on the next swing type of feeling. You know, that secret crush you have on the boy that only makes fun of you? That kind. I wish I was a kid again. Even though I have that whole "child at heart", it's still not the same. Felt good swinging as high as I could, until this lightheaded-ness came over me and this sudden fear of falling came too. As a kid, I still wanted to go higher and nothing could stop me. Spinning around was fun though, the dizziness too, because you were there when everything straightened out. This blog is so corny, but what else would it be if that's how I felt last night? And it was a good feeling, a great feeling actually. Because those are the moments that have always meant the most to me. To know that we could still have fun without having to spend money and just appreciate the free things the world has to offer.

edit later..

hard knock life

The days just seem to keep getting harder and harder. As much as I try to stay optimistic about everything, something always seems to pull be back down. It's almost as if God's testing me, to see if I could survive in this life when almost everything isn't going my way. This series of letdowns and disappointments is the hardest it has been for me in such a long while. But I can't help but think that this is my karma for all the times I've fucked up and never really got the punishment I deserved. No one really knows, but I've been given chances left and right during times that even I know I didn't deserve them.

Want to know the truth? I miss you so much. Even though I've been seeing you lately, it's still not the same. Even though I hold you, I can't hold you the same way & I can't feel you hold me the same way either (as much as I know we both want to). I was never one to take change so easily. It's hard to accept the fact that something so good could end so quickly (or end at all). "I know we're too young to talk about forever, but forever is what I feel when I'm with you." It's so hard to get through everything I'm going through right now, because it's you that I usually turn to.. to make me feel like everything was going to be just fine. It was the best feeling when you were there as a shoulder to cry on yesterday, & I couldn't thank you enough. Even though, my plan didn't go as planned today.. it was still nice to see you smile for a while. I'm just sorry that once again, I was just "a little too late".

Yesterday, one of my aunts passed away. As much as it's been said: Why does it take the life of someone we love to help us realize that life shouldn't be taken for granted? I sit here and complain about how fucked up and miserable my life is, when I should really be thankful that I still have a life to even sit and complain about. I can't help but feel selfish and guilty for constantly complaining how nothing is going my way. Then again, I'm only human. What's life with no pain? I've been told numerous times through my week of being heartbroken and pathetic that "there's always a light at the end of the tunnel". It's something I would say to someone who came to me crying about how sad he or she was too. Right now, my light.. is about the size of a grain of sand. But I was told, just that little speckle is the sign of hope for happiness in the future.

I don't know, things are really just easier said than done. I thought I'd be able to get through days alone (without you), but no matter where I am, or who I'm with.. you're still here with me both in my mind and heart. This post is filled with so many cliches, but all of them are true.

Pursuit of happyness, still going. Only getting harder because every time I take one step forward, I manage to bring myself two steps back. Prayers prayers prayers, I have to believe in them.

First Step

I'm taking this process one step at a time. I've realized that in the end of everything, I'm only going to have myself to depend on. For the sake of myself, I know I just have to stay strong and hope for the best in everything that's going to happen next. For years of my life, I admit I haven't really been the best at relationships. For one, I'm the attached jealous type. And I know that they're both bad habits I need to learn to get over. Letting go and moving on is my most dreaded part of relationships. Breakups are probably one of my weakest low points. (That and death) I also tend to act a little (or very) immature while I'm trying to overcome sadness in all sorts of ways. But really, I don't know how else to act when I lose something(someone) I put all my trust in. I can't say I was the perfect one in the relationship, because I know for a fact that I was far from perfect and I made way more mistakes than I should have. But nonetheless, it's still a hard fact to accept, that everything I believed in, is gone. Believe it or not, I guess I'm doing my best to just suck it up and try to not let this whole thing get the best of me. I'm trying to see it as an opportunity to possibly start new. Well, not completely new.. just catch up on the old I guess and improve with some new. My main focus will be family, friends, school, and practice. They're my necessities for my future, and in my future.. I plan to be happy. And maybe one day, whether it's him or not.. some one will come my way and join me in my happy life, to make me even happier. So this.. is my "pursuit of happyness". One day, someday, sooner or later, I know for a fact, that Ronylyn Tayco Monis, WILL BE HAPPY. I'm already one step closer...