The Sun Will Come Out

Tomorrow. I don't know if I'm pretending, but I keep telling myself things are getting better in an odd way. But maybe that's just because I'm getting things I want, in ways that I don't want. You won't get it, but it doesn't matter. This is supposed to be my place of truth and honesty, so I'll be honest, and say.. I really still wish I was YOUR senior prom date just like you were mine. I still wish I could get all dolled up, JUST FOR YOU, watch you clean up nice, JUST FOR ME, and dance the night away in your arms (miraculously, possibly, to our song at the end of the night..) Not jealous, not upset, of the fact that you're taking someone else, because she's a girl I trust to help you have a fun night, but I just wish it was me. But, I can't be selfish so I have to tell you I'm fine and have accepted it. I mean, I already had my turn last year.. I owe it to you to be able to live your senior year the way you want. No, I haven't accepted the fact we're not together but what other choice do I have. Being okay with it is the only way I could still have you in my life.

School's a bust. Biology is just getting harder and harder. FUCK MUSCLES. Too many things to memorize and my brain is overflowing. Whatever, school has been so stressful and I don't think I could handle it anymore. But, I gotta do what I gotta dooo.

RIPRIPRIPRIP. Death in the family, has never been so frequent.

Picture blogs soon to come, just too lazy to upload. Recently bought a 580EXII flash for my xti. The bitch is fucking heavy and huge, but nonetheless beautiful.

Pursuit of Happyness, stillllllll on.

Sparks

The days where you could walk outside without a sweater on at night are coming closer. Yesterday was filled with priceless moments where I wish conditions were a little different. For one, who knew "there was a spark between us" could be so literal. The excitement in your face was beautiful. I felt like a little girl, playing in the playground, FEARLESS, innocent of all the pain in the world, invincible. It was that crush on the boy on the next swing type of feeling. You know, that secret crush you have on the boy that only makes fun of you? That kind. I wish I was a kid again. Even though I have that whole "child at heart", it's still not the same. Felt good swinging as high as I could, until this lightheaded-ness came over me and this sudden fear of falling came too. As a kid, I still wanted to go higher and nothing could stop me. Spinning around was fun though, the dizziness too, because you were there when everything straightened out. This blog is so corny, but what else would it be if that's how I felt last night? And it was a good feeling, a great feeling actually. Because those are the moments that have always meant the most to me. To know that we could still have fun without having to spend money and just appreciate the free things the world has to offer.

edit later..

hard knock life

The days just seem to keep getting harder and harder. As much as I try to stay optimistic about everything, something always seems to pull be back down. It's almost as if God's testing me, to see if I could survive in this life when almost everything isn't going my way. This series of letdowns and disappointments is the hardest it has been for me in such a long while. But I can't help but think that this is my karma for all the times I've fucked up and never really got the punishment I deserved. No one really knows, but I've been given chances left and right during times that even I know I didn't deserve them.

Want to know the truth? I miss you so much. Even though I've been seeing you lately, it's still not the same. Even though I hold you, I can't hold you the same way & I can't feel you hold me the same way either (as much as I know we both want to). I was never one to take change so easily. It's hard to accept the fact that something so good could end so quickly (or end at all). "I know we're too young to talk about forever, but forever is what I feel when I'm with you." It's so hard to get through everything I'm going through right now, because it's you that I usually turn to.. to make me feel like everything was going to be just fine. It was the best feeling when you were there as a shoulder to cry on yesterday, & I couldn't thank you enough. Even though, my plan didn't go as planned today.. it was still nice to see you smile for a while. I'm just sorry that once again, I was just "a little too late".

Yesterday, one of my aunts passed away. As much as it's been said: Why does it take the life of someone we love to help us realize that life shouldn't be taken for granted? I sit here and complain about how fucked up and miserable my life is, when I should really be thankful that I still have a life to even sit and complain about. I can't help but feel selfish and guilty for constantly complaining how nothing is going my way. Then again, I'm only human. What's life with no pain? I've been told numerous times through my week of being heartbroken and pathetic that "there's always a light at the end of the tunnel". It's something I would say to someone who came to me crying about how sad he or she was too. Right now, my light.. is about the size of a grain of sand. But I was told, just that little speckle is the sign of hope for happiness in the future.

I don't know, things are really just easier said than done. I thought I'd be able to get through days alone (without you), but no matter where I am, or who I'm with.. you're still here with me both in my mind and heart. This post is filled with so many cliches, but all of them are true.

Pursuit of happyness, still going. Only getting harder because every time I take one step forward, I manage to bring myself two steps back. Prayers prayers prayers, I have to believe in them.

First Step

I'm taking this process one step at a time. I've realized that in the end of everything, I'm only going to have myself to depend on. For the sake of myself, I know I just have to stay strong and hope for the best in everything that's going to happen next. For years of my life, I admit I haven't really been the best at relationships. For one, I'm the attached jealous type. And I know that they're both bad habits I need to learn to get over. Letting go and moving on is my most dreaded part of relationships. Breakups are probably one of my weakest low points. (That and death) I also tend to act a little (or very) immature while I'm trying to overcome sadness in all sorts of ways. But really, I don't know how else to act when I lose something(someone) I put all my trust in. I can't say I was the perfect one in the relationship, because I know for a fact that I was far from perfect and I made way more mistakes than I should have. But nonetheless, it's still a hard fact to accept, that everything I believed in, is gone. Believe it or not, I guess I'm doing my best to just suck it up and try to not let this whole thing get the best of me. I'm trying to see it as an opportunity to possibly start new. Well, not completely new.. just catch up on the old I guess and improve with some new. My main focus will be family, friends, school, and practice. They're my necessities for my future, and in my future.. I plan to be happy. And maybe one day, whether it's him or not.. some one will come my way and join me in my happy life, to make me even happier. So this.. is my "pursuit of happyness". One day, someday, sooner or later, I know for a fact, that Ronylyn Tayco Monis, WILL BE HAPPY. I'm already one step closer...