Unexpected

&caught off guard.

You surprised me. It was random and the odds of what had happened happening was literally slim to none. How did we go from fighting earlier that day to being where we are now ? (: Randomness & weird moments have always been what our relationship is and was about. Guess it's nice to know some things never change. You have been so great lately, &I'm thankful. So grateful that you're showing the side of you that I love so much. "I love you": so simple yet so powerful. Yes, it really was. (:

Stressed, still. 

): Forever &always. 

But, at least I have you at

the end of the night. 

Back to studying !

My flirting

with disaster

is modern love.

I just have to accept the fact that everything 

I've grown attached to and fell in love with

is just something I have to get over. Whether

I like it or not. As every day goes by it's only

going to keep getting harder because my hopes

are just going to keep getting higher. I guess

as typical as it sounds, I was just hoping you'd

somehow fall in love with me all over again. But

that's just too unreal and only happens in movies.

I guess I'm just another hopeless romantic in

this loveless world that for who knows what reason

still believes that love is for me. But I'm still young,

maybe some one who believes in me will find me. 

I was just taking a leap and hoping you were still

that person. Still wake up every day hoping that 

"this is the day he's coming back". But I just need

to wake up & realize that it's never going to happen.

At least not to me. I didn't know it was possible to fall 

when you had already fallen . Hole inside a hole.

"that's the past love, leave it in the past love"

16

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edit: 8:56 pm

Today's Amat's homecoming game. Meaning, it's almost been 3years since it all started. How random was it? Us going to homecoming together. Not only was it random, it was probably the best high school dance I have ever been to. So spontaneous &genuinely fun. I miss that "honeymoon" stage that we were in. Now we're just another couple that couldn't make it to the "growing old & grey" together. I just miss being the girl you could have so much pride in. The one you showed off to everyone and flaunted every chance you got. Now, I'm just another girl. Not even just another friend.. I'm just a girl of your past. It's what I feared the most from the beginning. It's not that I regret being with you, it's the losing you as such a good person in my book. &I told you that. &the day I told you that, you made a promise. You asked for the chance to show me what a relationship should be like, a chance to show me what I deserved, to show me the way I should be treated. You told me to give you the chance to show me how special I was & that no guy has the right to treat me like dirt. You told me that a chance was all you wanted and you PROMISED that you'd always be there. So where are you? My partner in crime, the other whole that makes me twice the person I am, the Clyde for this Bonnie, my ride or die, my bestfriend, the one who knows me better than I know myself. How could you be so careless sometimes? How do you let go of something so special? You knew what you wanted before, how don't you know now ? Why aren't I right for you anymore ? How can something so simple like eating sushi, a massage, &cuddling to closely make the both of us so happy yet it's still something you want to let go of ? Why aren't I worth it anymore ? How come it seems like you care more about people who wouldn't do the things I'd do for you ? Why couldn't you just be happy with me ? Why aren't you scared of losing me anymore ? It's like your life is on fast forward & I'm just sitting here waiting for you to notice me. Waiting for you to pause for a second & just realize what you have. But what's the big deal right ? "We're still young".. you still have time to fall in love all over again later. &You won't have a problem finding a new person to share all your happiness with. Someone who could possibly care for you more than I have. &I hope you do. Because you deserve it. Just wish you'd let me be that person. 

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edit: 10:30pm

today is officially a topsyturby day. filled with

ups and downs. hopefully it ends with an up.

If You Just Realize

what I just realized

then we'd be perfect for each other

and we'll never find another.

Definitely a bittersweet day. 

class ditchin. lost in los angeles. 

my cent of creativity put into use.

napnappin. amipapi. homework. 

quarrels. unpleasant goodbyes.   

Tell me;

Do you see that I'm still willing

to do anything to make you happy

whether you ask for it or not ? 

Still here helping in any way I possibly

can just to maybe make things

less hard for you. I know my gestures

are supposed to be humble and I 

shouldn't ask for anything in return..

but I know I didn't deserve the way 

you decided to end the night. 

): Fantasies, dreams, romance.

It's all just a faded memory of mine.

pinky promise with a twist 

thumb stamp sealed with a kiss

I'll stop the world

&melt with you. 

rough morning. been so hard

waking myself up lately. the morning

cold makes it almost impossible to 

drag myself out of bed. ): 

on the drive to Kaycee's RYAN 

SEACREST made my day. due to 

Christmas lights on the trees at his 

studio, he decided to play some Holiday

jams to spread the holiday spirit. It felt 

DAMN GOOD. I agree to what he said. 

Which was: The world needs the holiday 

spirit more than ever. & it's true. I LOVE

the winter &holiday season. STOKED.

Some day, one day, when I find somewhere

to squeeze some "me time" in my schedule

I would love love love to accomplish the following:

- snowboarding

- shop [coats, more boots, scarves, beanies, 

headbands, legwarmers, leggings, &more winter clothes]

- carshopping !!

- fix my bike / buy a new one

- clean out my room

- make halloween costume

- buy Hardfest ticket ?! 

- &so much more that i can't think of 

at the top of my head. 

I need my life back. Freal. 

Swamped

with responsibilities. School takes up more than 90% of my time. 

Work Sat & Sun. My only 'real' full day of free time are Fridays.

But that is soon to be occupied by my volunteer hours. Now you 

could find me in LA 5 days or more a week. Stressed stressed stressed

yet trying to remain focused and motivated. 

CalPoly's library is fucking legit. I'm jealous :[ 

but I'm pretty sure almost every Calstate's library

beats LA's. Ughh, whatever. 

Can't wait till next quarter. Why ? Because I've got

THEE bomb schedule if all works well. AND, I've got

NO SCIENCE class. AWESOME ?! I think so !

I don't know if you realized how happy you 

made me when you surprised me last night. :]

It was unexpected. You really caught me off guard..

but I loved every bit of it . !! Made my day. 

"are you happy?"

...i really don't know. still in between i guess.

Paper chaser

heart breaker

payday today. homecoming = busy day at work.

swamped with studying. need a costume.

& .. have i told you lately that i love you ? 

I'm twisted

cause one side of me 
is tellin' me i need to move on
on the other side i
wanna break down and cry.

Love Monday Nights

GG. OTH. HILLS.

&that's why i fell in love with you.

K.WEST tomorrow. stoked. 

So much

for my happy ending. 

Goodbye to you

Goodbye to everything that I knew

You were the one I loved

The one thing that I tried to hold onto

I will & already do miss you quite terribly.

but, I will always love you forever.

it really is hard trying to let go of a good thing.

Just a dream

You came back. You told me you missed me ! 

I asked, "Babe..is this just a dream ? Because if it is, 

please don't let anyone wake me up." 

&all you did was hug me. I hugged you tighter. 

It felt so good to be held by you.

I was safe & warm.. all the pain was gone. 

then I woke up. the pain was back

&you were gone.. 

So many nights

I dream of you, 

holding my pillow tight

I know that I don't need to be alone.

I open up my eyes to face reality.

Every moment without you

it seems like eternity

I'm begging you, begging you,

PLEASE COME BACK TO ME.

When are you coming back ?

Are you coming back ?

Do you miss me ? 

How have you been ?

Where have you been ?

How are you holding up ?

How's your head ? How's your knuckles ?

Do you need a massage ? :[

This is seriously killing me.

I don't know how much longer I could last.. 

I wish you'd just show up at my door,

call me, show up at my work, something,

anything. I don't give a fuck if I sound 

desperate &pathetic. I miss you &everything 

about you so much. :[ I can't even front about it..

Nick&Norah

I watched it tonight. I really wish we could watch it together. Nick reminded me so much of the way you used to treat me. So respectful and kind. So romantic and charming. So sarcastic and hilarious. You were one of a kind. Topnotch boyfriend material. 

I'm still here. Trying hard to stick to what I know I should do. &It's to prove I really want to make our relationship what we both know it has potential to be. It's our season coming up. The weather &the "santa ana winds" are reminding me of you. I miss those nights we'd sit and keep each other warm under one blanket, watching a movie, and drinking hotcoco. I remember instead of just bringing some you brought your whole box ! :] Lifetime supply of coco<3333

You're right though. I am getting something out of getting time away from you. It's more time to myself and to just think about life &get things straightened out. BUT, Absence does make the heart grow fonder. &this deprivation of your presence in my life, is eating me up alive. :[

Love

is the one label that never goes out of style. SATC had me drowning in tears last night. :[ Honestly, you're on my mind every minute of the day. I can't help but wonder if I'm still on yours too. I understand that it's only been a few days, but what if you're just too distracted to even think about missing me ? It scares me to think that you're happier without me. I'll be happy for you, it's just a sad thought to wonder about. Truth is, only reason I'm really trying hard not to talk to or see you is because I really want to prove how much I need/want this. I need you to miss me. &I need you to wish I was next to you. In one of your letters that I read last night, you said "You're the only girl I would drive 25min for everyday just to see you. I enjoy every second of it." I wish you could still say that proudly. I still want to be the one who could make you smile when everything else gets rough. I guess I'll just have to wait it out. I just want to be happy, I think i deserve to be. Whether it's with or without you.. 

i don't even know if you're ever going to read this..

One step

at a time. I'll take it second by second, and just try to grow up &grow out of it. I'll never understand how two good people involved in such a genuine good thing could just end up in such a bad path. Such an unhealthy relationship full of complications while things could be so simple. All I needed was to feel important again. But it was my fault too. I didn't give him the time to just miss me. But I tried, I tried to be the girlfriend you deserved. Not good enough, is all I'll ever be to you. 

School, has never been so hectic and disappointing. Every time I think I'm doing so well, a simple letter could take all my hope away. Ceramics is supposed to be fun, at least I thought it was supposed to. Turns out its one of my hardest classes. Or more time consuming. Micro takes up a lot of studying &is filled with tricky questions. HATE ! :[ Child development is just plain ol' boring. Swear all I hear in that class is yaddayaddablahdiblahbloo. :] But of course, the only class I enjoy this quarter is none other than my KICKBOXING class. Today I learned how to UPPERCUT ALL YALL ! ;] hah ! 

GET READY FOR IT ! because ladies &gentlemen, i have a WORK section to post on blogs now. haha. thanks to kimbery siapno dearest friend of mine. :] I work at MagicStudio in the wescoo mall right next to Mrs. Fields. woo ! It's a very chill job that gives me plenty of time to do hw and study. 

As much as I want to take and post pictures, my camera isn't in my possession. :[ So long baby, I don't know when I'm ever going to see you again. 

To sum it all up:

Hello, I miss you quite terribly. 

Giant heart made of candles. A scavenger hunt leading to love. Slowdancing to one of the bst songs ever made. What i would give, just to have one of those nights back. A night where I truly felt like I was loved & happy. I miss that. Nothing but history is all it is. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

edit. 11:11pm.

the whole day has been such a drag. slowly i wait for the day to go by just to say i got through another day. planned on going out today to get my mind off of you, but it just didn't work out. i stayed home. i stayed home and did a lot of thinking. thinking about you. opened up those shoeboxes i haven't touched in a while. looked at our collage frames. read every single letter, stared at every single drawing, looked through every single picture of us i could find. it's pathetic in some ways, but it helps me in some ways. i remember, as every anniversary went by, or any other day actually, every time we'd write each other letters, we'd basically list all of our inside jokes. we stopped because it grew to a list too long to write out. and one letter you said "i'd list all of our inside jokes but i'm pretty sure you're tired of re-reading them again". honestly, i wouldn't mind re-reading them a million times over and over right now. we were happy. a REAL happy. i could go home from school, take a nap, and look forward to you calling me and waking me up. i could go to practice and look forward to calling you afterwards to fill each other in. we made each other laugh so much, whether it was by being a queenB to you or your unbelievably charming sarcasm. what happened? why did we have to grow out of it. why did we have to ruin something to precious ? i miss it. i say it over and over, but it's true. i miss it. i miss all of it. sure, MAYBE it IS the way the beginning of relationships are and its natural for it to go downhill from there. but when were we ever typical. we're weird people. that's what we loved about each other. is that we were weird. that was our essence. is that we were able to act like ourselves. not caring about what other people thought. we acted "cute" and didn't care about what our friends thought. you swept me off my feet and made me believe that these things don't only happen in movies. it's a possible reality. and you helped make a girl's wildest dreams come true. i know there's no turning back to the past. it's just sad, letting a good thing go. i don't know how to find the strength in me to say goodbye. i don't know how to find the courage to let go. i don't know how to just leave everything behind and just grow up and move on. it's hard. i know i have to.. but, you're my partner in crime. the clyde for this bonnie. the other whole that makes me twice the person i am alone. you taught me so much. &one thing you've taught me since the beginning.. is that some things are just worth fighting for. no matter how long or how hard it is. i believe in us. always will. i love you is probably the only thing that still makes sense.