My flirting

with disaster

is modern love.

I just have to accept the fact that everything 

I've grown attached to and fell in love with

is just something I have to get over. Whether

I like it or not. As every day goes by it's only

going to keep getting harder because my hopes

are just going to keep getting higher. I guess

as typical as it sounds, I was just hoping you'd

somehow fall in love with me all over again. But

that's just too unreal and only happens in movies.

I guess I'm just another hopeless romantic in

this loveless world that for who knows what reason

still believes that love is for me. But I'm still young,

maybe some one who believes in me will find me. 

I was just taking a leap and hoping you were still

that person. Still wake up every day hoping that 

"this is the day he's coming back". But I just need

to wake up & realize that it's never going to happen.

At least not to me. I didn't know it was possible to fall 

when you had already fallen . Hole inside a hole.

"that's the past love, leave it in the past love"

16

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edit: 8:56 pm

Today's Amat's homecoming game. Meaning, it's almost been 3years since it all started. How random was it? Us going to homecoming together. Not only was it random, it was probably the best high school dance I have ever been to. So spontaneous &genuinely fun. I miss that "honeymoon" stage that we were in. Now we're just another couple that couldn't make it to the "growing old & grey" together. I just miss being the girl you could have so much pride in. The one you showed off to everyone and flaunted every chance you got. Now, I'm just another girl. Not even just another friend.. I'm just a girl of your past. It's what I feared the most from the beginning. It's not that I regret being with you, it's the losing you as such a good person in my book. &I told you that. &the day I told you that, you made a promise. You asked for the chance to show me what a relationship should be like, a chance to show me what I deserved, to show me the way I should be treated. You told me to give you the chance to show me how special I was & that no guy has the right to treat me like dirt. You told me that a chance was all you wanted and you PROMISED that you'd always be there. So where are you? My partner in crime, the other whole that makes me twice the person I am, the Clyde for this Bonnie, my ride or die, my bestfriend, the one who knows me better than I know myself. How could you be so careless sometimes? How do you let go of something so special? You knew what you wanted before, how don't you know now ? Why aren't I right for you anymore ? How can something so simple like eating sushi, a massage, &cuddling to closely make the both of us so happy yet it's still something you want to let go of ? Why aren't I worth it anymore ? How come it seems like you care more about people who wouldn't do the things I'd do for you ? Why couldn't you just be happy with me ? Why aren't you scared of losing me anymore ? It's like your life is on fast forward & I'm just sitting here waiting for you to notice me. Waiting for you to pause for a second & just realize what you have. But what's the big deal right ? "We're still young".. you still have time to fall in love all over again later. &You won't have a problem finding a new person to share all your happiness with. Someone who could possibly care for you more than I have. &I hope you do. Because you deserve it. Just wish you'd let me be that person. 

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edit: 10:30pm

today is officially a topsyturby day. filled with

ups and downs. hopefully it ends with an up.