hard knock life

The days just seem to keep getting harder and harder. As much as I try to stay optimistic about everything, something always seems to pull be back down. It's almost as if God's testing me, to see if I could survive in this life when almost everything isn't going my way. This series of letdowns and disappointments is the hardest it has been for me in such a long while. But I can't help but think that this is my karma for all the times I've fucked up and never really got the punishment I deserved. No one really knows, but I've been given chances left and right during times that even I know I didn't deserve them.

Want to know the truth? I miss you so much. Even though I've been seeing you lately, it's still not the same. Even though I hold you, I can't hold you the same way & I can't feel you hold me the same way either (as much as I know we both want to). I was never one to take change so easily. It's hard to accept the fact that something so good could end so quickly (or end at all). "I know we're too young to talk about forever, but forever is what I feel when I'm with you." It's so hard to get through everything I'm going through right now, because it's you that I usually turn to.. to make me feel like everything was going to be just fine. It was the best feeling when you were there as a shoulder to cry on yesterday, & I couldn't thank you enough. Even though, my plan didn't go as planned today.. it was still nice to see you smile for a while. I'm just sorry that once again, I was just "a little too late".

Yesterday, one of my aunts passed away. As much as it's been said: Why does it take the life of someone we love to help us realize that life shouldn't be taken for granted? I sit here and complain about how fucked up and miserable my life is, when I should really be thankful that I still have a life to even sit and complain about. I can't help but feel selfish and guilty for constantly complaining how nothing is going my way. Then again, I'm only human. What's life with no pain? I've been told numerous times through my week of being heartbroken and pathetic that "there's always a light at the end of the tunnel". It's something I would say to someone who came to me crying about how sad he or she was too. Right now, my light.. is about the size of a grain of sand. But I was told, just that little speckle is the sign of hope for happiness in the future.

I don't know, things are really just easier said than done. I thought I'd be able to get through days alone (without you), but no matter where I am, or who I'm with.. you're still here with me both in my mind and heart. This post is filled with so many cliches, but all of them are true.

Pursuit of happyness, still going. Only getting harder because every time I take one step forward, I manage to bring myself two steps back. Prayers prayers prayers, I have to believe in them.